Trust & Respect
How to Build Meaningful Relationships in the High School Classroom
Which Comes First?
You've heard the old adage, "you've gotta give respect to get respect". Growing up, my dad was in the military. He, like many others in his circle, subscribed to this traditional axiom regarding respect. You give respect to those who are in a position of authority over you. If you want to be respected by those who are in authority over you, you have to prove that you are worthy of their respect. Respect, in this scenario, is the starting point in the relationship. If a person outranks you or out-positions you, they are deserving of your respect and, in turn, only when you regard their position can you can begin to build a modicum of trust with them. Respect opens the door for trust in this traditional approach.
However, in my experience, the reality is quite the opposite with High School students today. Students often walk into the classroom with a whole host of reasons why they shouldn't trust you - the media stories of abusive authority figures, family trauma, father wounds, you name it. Granted, these struggles have always existed in humanity (and I believe that we have always carried these wounds with us), but the teenagers of our era are wearing these wounds more visibly. They are disillusioned with the idea that respect is given without question. While it can be easy to dismiss of this "chip on the shoulder" reaction to authority, I think that we need to be attentive to the deeper issue with teenagers. If we want to garner respect from the students whose minds and souls we are stewarding, trust must precede respect. They must know that we are for them before they will respect and submit to the authority we wield.
What's the Goal?
Too often, the primary goal of discipline is to have well-behaved students. Well-behaved students are convenient, easy to control, and they generally make our lives simpler, but well-behaved students aren't necessarily students that trust, respect us, or love Jesus. If the goal of the classroom is to provide a safe space for students to learn, grow, be challenged, wrestle with their faith and education, and be formed into the image of Christ, then trust is essential. Behavior is merely indicative of a deeper heart issue. When we simply manage behavior, we bypass the root of the issue. It's like picking weeds from the top of the plant; it will grow back. When behavioral management becomes the goal, students will find avenues to hide, coerce, and manipulate - as long as they don't get caught. They are motivated by fear, not love. When fear becomes the engine fueling "right" behavior, a student will either live a life of deception and hiding, or will harbor resentment. However, when behavior is motivated by love earned through trust, their actions are dictated by the heart. Our goal in the Christian classroom cannot be "well-behaved" students, but students that are being transformed by the love of Jesus. This only happens if trust is nurtured in the classroom. As Steve Tuitt in Christian Educators Journal says,
"Although it may be tempting to try to manipulate students through guilt, fear, or intimidation, or to use some form of behavior modification to coerce them into correct behavior, ultimately these methods are doomed for failure. External conformity is one thing; a repentant and changed heart is quite another. Students, teachers, and administrators need God’s grace, not guilt. All need God’s mercy, not manipulation."
Conversational Correction
One of the most effective ways I have found to engage the heart of the student and to begin to build trust is through conversational correction. It seems a simple enough concept, but it is surprisingly rare and haphazardly employed. As stated, conversations that center around guilt, disappointment, unmet expectations, and imposed identity shaming (using the recognition of "leadership" in a student as a motivator for changing their behavior, for example), are doomed to failure. They don't lead to heart change, they lead to a convenient veneer of modified behavior. Two principles that make true conversational correction affective are 1) heart-level questioning strategies that focus on the root of the issue, not the external behavior and 2) sincerely listening from a position of humility and equality.
A Level Playing Field
The Gospel is a leveler of souls. There is such no such thing as A-team and B-team in the kingdom of heaven. When we recognize that we are all sinners in need of grace, we can approach conversations of discipline and correction on a level-playing field. I cannot understate how much relational capital we gain with students' when they feel that they are speaking with someone who isn't afraid of their own weakness. Many times, students simply need the permission to be vulnerable, to be broken, to admit their faults without fear of shame or judgement. The beauty is, when we open the door for trust, we can speak with authority and wisdom about their struggles and lead them to the Healer who supplies their need rather than to corrected behavior that merely bandages a deeper wound. Formation begins in the heart and works into action, not the other way around. As the French writer Antoine de Saint Exupery says,
“If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.”
When we engage the hearts of our students, we are teaching them to long for the enduring love of Jesus, not the temporary reward of right action. The enduring love of Jesus will produce far deeper obedience than coercion every will.
Recommended Reading:
- You Are What You Love - James K.A. Smith (difficulty: 7/10)
- You Can Change - Tim Chester (difficulty: 5/10)
- Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands - Paul David Tripp (difficulty: 4/10)
- Knowing God - J.I. Packer (difficulty: 8/10)